« 075: Missed Opportunities | Main | 077: The Active Conspiracy » March 08, 2004

076: Last Modified

The "Last Modified" flag on a Word file is not your friend; this little detail which stares at you unblinkingly is the sort of reminder which the self-conscious writer hates to read. "Last modified on 2/26/04." What have I been doing since the end of February? I ask myself. Will I even remember where I left off?

With all honesty, I'm having to admit that I don't have as much time as I would like; I don't have the luxury of uninterrupted hours in which to crank out several thousand words. Flow -- if it ever something which I might be able to capture again -- will have to exist in a suspended state, a nebulous cloud of stored work which hangs in my head and that I can easily dip into as necessary. Writing will become even more of a process of transcription as if I were just an agent through which the Divine were speaking. ("Mr. Kelly, I am ready. Please look into the scrying stone now.")

I've been spending time being fussy -- petulant, even -- and I haven't accomplished much other than annoy and frustrate my family. It's a vicious loop, actually, as this energy gets reflected back on me (and as I devour myself with guilt for instilling it in the first place) and, when writing time actually occurs, it isn't terribly constructive. My wife bluntly pointed out last night that it doesn't really matter what I've found to complain about, it's the act of being dissatisifed that I really cleave to, and she's right. It's easier to bitch about not having time and/or energy and/or the proper work space than to just get down and do it. Because when you're stuck in this headspace, you have an excuse handy when someone asks about your work. "Oh, it's not ready," you say and insert whatever excuse you're using this week.

It's your fear of acceptance talking. It's your fear of not being liked that is swimming in your throat. It's the fear that what you're making isn't worth anyone's time. If it is never finished, then it is easy to call the work the "most amazing thing in the world" because it may very well be so in your head.

Push on, young soldiers, push on. Open that file. Do not be frightened off by delays and doubts and the FEAR.

This is how the Monday morning pep-talk goes.

Posted by Teppo at March 8, 2004 08:02 AM

Comments

and good morning to you. Feb 26 was only a week ago, and it was the day I left for my vacation. Now I'm back and you're looking at your unmodified text.
I guess you can imagine you took a holiday with me.

Hah! That's a much better way to look at it.